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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hey everyone,
Just wanted to welcome you to the new page, come on in look around.  We have started production on the second season of The Bill Engvall show and I will be posting periodic messages letting you know whats going on.  We premiere June 12th on TBS tell all your friends. See ya on the road.


Blogger sm said...

I love your humor it make looking at life in a new and more funny way. I hope you do more albums soon.

Big fan Jan Johnson

April 15, 2008 4:04 PM  
Blogger engvallfan24 said...

I can't wait till the show starts. It's gonna be sooooo awsome! Cya.

April 16, 2008 9:27 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

I saw the show where you got the ppl a new double wide and this tough guy even cried. How can I do that for ppl myself. I have had a construction company, wrote grants, and done civil engineering so have the tools. Want to try and find something to do with the rest of my life.

April 18, 2008 6:50 AM  
Blogger smiley said...

I have been trying to find a way to contact you, so I really hope you read this. I live in Winslow, Az. I remember when you were in my parents 4-H horse group. The group was going to a rodeo and you didn't have anyone to take you and your horse, so my parents did. You got car sick and it was not a pretty sight. Just wondering if you have any recollection of this memorable event?
Hope to hear from you about this.

April 19, 2008 6:08 PM  
Blogger PUPPERS said...

The kids and I love your dvds and show. Looking forward to seeing you live at the Medina County Fair. Hope to meet you in person!!! By the way you are no dork "just a guy" and cool! Cya in July

April 20, 2008 12:28 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

I love your shows! My girlfriend and I recently went to an IHOP on our Harley. As we were leaving, the girl behind the counter asked us " Does your bike have A/C?" Here's your sign!!!
Thanks Bill for it all!!!


April 22, 2008 7:26 PM  
Blogger Rick Rogers said...

Diane and I have moved to Dallas believe it or not.
Gail gave me your numbers awhile back bit I misplaced them along with my sign.
Hope to hear from you and I notice you are scheduled to come here and we would love to see you.

April 24, 2008 6:02 AM  
Blogger The Brack's said...

Hey Bill!
We can't wait for your tour to come our way! My husband worships you! Our 10 year anniversary is on Aug 8 and I just noticed the Montana date. We live in Idaho and I think we might have to spend our 10 year at your show! If you want to send us a shout out or an anniversary gift let me know! J/k...actually I am not, you would be the best 10 year gift for my husband. The tradition is Tin or allumin, we could wrap you in tin foil! OK, dumd joke! Happy Days!

April 25, 2008 7:32 PM  
Blogger Charlie said...

Your sense of humor is awesome. I have seen you stage shows twice and I never missed your show the first season and won't miss one on the second season either.

I have been your fan since the Delta Burke show and the Jeff Foxworthy show. You are the GREATEST!!!!

April 26, 2008 10:10 PM  
Blogger mandie said...

Hey there Bill. Loved your show in 2006 up at Foxwoods in NY! My mom and I were DYING the entire time. We have a "Here's you Sign" tidbit commited by my sister. When we were younger mom forgot something while we were int eh supermarket. She askd my sister to go get it then catch up. So she comes back with what mom askd her to get and a bottle of ketsup! Here's your Sign!! We'd love to see you in NY again. Best wishes to you and your fam. cya

May 2, 2008 11:21 AM  
Blogger wweek said...

"Does your wife work?"

"Yeah, she's a magician. She made my money disappear."



HO! HEE HA. WHOO. Whoo. Oy.

Brilliant stuff. Oscar Wilde. James Thurber. Jackie Gleason. George Carlin. Steve Martin. Bill Engvall.

May 2, 2008 6:23 PM  
Blogger Glenn McGarry said...

You need to check this place out. It's called Hillbilly Hotdogs located in Lesage, WV. It is currently on the Food Network on Diner's, Drive-Ins, and Dives. The last showing is on May 9th. This is where all of us "Hillbilly" type folks hang out. Check it out yourself and stop on by. You will get a kick out of this place. Where else is the food like the "Home-Wrecker" (a 1 pound Weenie) or the "Single or Double Wide" Hamburger (a 5 or 10 pound burger)be on the menu. The place you eat is on old school buses! We all love this place and know you will too.

Hope to see you there!

May 4, 2008 7:05 AM  
Blogger bethann227 said...

Hey Bill!! I was checking out your tour dates and I was disappointed to see you're not coming out to cheesehead territory here in Wisconsin. Cow-tipping is just not what it used to be (the cows are on to us) so we need entertainment!! Please reconsider slipping in a date or two in Milwaukee.... we'll keep the beer on ice for you!

May 6, 2008 8:31 PM  
Blogger BOhemouth said...

Hi Bill, We met years ago. I'm the BOhemouth of a man that you met on the puddle jumper in Florida with a belt buckle big enough to get DSS on. Just thought I'd pass along a thought. Did you know that the government wants you to be broke so much that they'll actually pay you to be broke? Just think of all the programs that can't help you if you're going broke but will do all kinds of things for you once you are broke. Have a good day and keep laughing. its good for all of us.

May 9, 2008 10:04 AM  
Blogger william said...

bill - love your shows and blue collar of course.
could have used you when i went to the bank a few weeks ago - needed a
"here's your sign" comment badly

May 13, 2008 6:31 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Just commenting to give you some material to work with. I have a job in a call center in TN for ATT Wireless, and had a customer call in today from NY complaining that her husband's phone isn't getting service. We can't troubleshoot much without having the phone available, so she offered to call back "by 8 pm because I know you guys close." I told her "well, ma'am, we close at 8 pm Central, so that would give you until 9 pm your time." She responded "aren't you in the United States?"

May 13, 2008 3:56 PM  
Blogger houseseller said...

Home sales here in our small town of 8000 in southern Wisc have been slow. How much my business would pick-up if you were in our town's phone directory ad holding one of our company's real estate signs, pointing to it saying "Here's Your Sign"! Can you do that? I'd be forever grateful.

May 14, 2008 11:56 AM  
Blogger ole yeller said...

I'd like to send you a joke. How do I do it? I thought of a lot of people but you are the only one who can pull it off.

May 15, 2008 2:34 PM  
Blogger AMY said...

Hi Bill! Please come back to the east coast! PA!! We saw you in Wilkes-Barre, almost pee'd my pants!:) We miss you!

May 24, 2008 7:08 PM  
Blogger AMY said...

Hi Bill! Please come back to the east coast! PA!!!! Saw you the last time you were in Wilkes-Barre! Almost pee'd my pants!:)
We miss you!

May 24, 2008 7:15 PM  
Blogger Mikw said...

Hey there Bill,

I just wanted to know you along with Jeff Foxworthy, larry the cable guy and ron white are the best comedians out there. I just got all but one of you cds. I just cannot find the 1st one the one that starts off with the golf. I shot golf like that too :) I just bought a mobile home in a park in portland, oregon and love it. I do have some here is your sign jokes i would love to share with you. Well gotta go now. hope you and the family have a good summer and see ya soon.

May 25, 2008 12:30 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

hey bill, your humor improves my mood whenever i here your jokes. but i was wondering if you could come up with some instrumental band jokes. i'm in my high schools band and it would be nice if we could incorporate more of your humor in to all the fun we have together. thanks so much.

May 29, 2008 2:10 PM  
Blogger Footnotes said...

I've heard from several people that your show is actually pretty funny.

However, I will not watch it under any circumstances as long as you keep interrupting other shows with your annoying "freeze-frame" pop-up ads.

Enough is enough. Let the boycott begin.

June 4, 2008 12:40 PM  
Blogger wilsonville bill said...

talked to you on mark sayshi 6/03/08,told you about kfc and my son,forgot to mention,wife and i went to alaska,guess what she wanted to do...yep,whale watching,all i could think about was,we're a bath toy,luckily we were in a large catamaran,and the whales never got close,keep up the comedy,you guys have no idea how much you help people,especially us old vets....bill trice,Alabama

June 4, 2008 1:26 PM  
OpenID ob1quixote said...

Dear Mr. Engvall,

Like many other people, I will never, ever watch your new show, no matter how funny it is or even if you held a parade of naked starlets, unless TBS ceases and desists with the "pause" promos for your show. I believe an irate phone call to the producer first thing tomorrow morning is in order.


Obi-Wan Quixote,
Lilburn, Georgia, USA

Post Scriptum: It might be worth your while to check out the flame thread at

June 4, 2008 6:23 PM  
Blogger cara in texas said...

I saw you on Comedy Central & thought you were hilarious! We're going to see you in Ft. Worth in a couple of weeks. Will you have the same material as we saw on Comedy Central (the show aired in May)?

June 4, 2008 8:21 PM  
Blogger Dhaba said...

Pausing a show to plug your show is a new low. It isn't bad enough the show gets plugged endlessly by the geniuses at TBS via commercials, animated snipes, and promo bugs, you have to come in and "pause" a show and infuriate viewers even more.


June 5, 2008 9:19 AM  
Blogger TATERTOTT said...

Hey Bill,

This is the Tatertott, i am a male 53 yrs young, this reaosn i'm letting u know my sex is I have a true story for u to use OK.
I walked into Wal-Mart in Russellvelle, AR to the visions place to get my eyes checked for some new glasses, the lady asked me can i help u, I said sure i need to look at some glasses plz, she goes MEN'S Glasses, Bill i couldn't hold it back, I said NO WOMEN'S--HERE UR SIGN, evryone in the whole place just rolled. But it was a good day after a couple of hours and $500 later i got new glasses. Plz feel free to use this OK.

June 7, 2008 4:39 AM  
Blogger BillSux said...

Interrupting family guy to promote your own show was a lame thing to do. I would like to think you had more respect for your fans than that. Keep the commercials to the appropriate time and stay out of my TV show ass hole.

June 7, 2008 9:11 AM  
Blogger bnlfan said...

Mr. Engvall,

I live in Georgia and as I am sure you know, the license plates of cars have the county name at the bottom.

Well, I was getting out of my car at Wal Mart when another car parked next to me. The license plate was a special plate for teachers. While talking to the female drivers husband she got out of the car and I asked.

"Where's educator county?"

It was half way through the question that I realized what I was saying.

They had a good laugh.

June 7, 2008 11:25 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

Mr. Engvall, while certainly being responsible for cynically producing horrendously unfunny material for the braying masses who lap it up like so much Bud Light and Hot Pockets, is not responsible for the way his show is promoted on TBS.

Of course, I think it's all awful -- the show, the "blue collar" garbage AND the obnoxious promotion. And it all comes from the same place -- deep cynicism. These people aren't stupid -- they just think you all are. In many cases, as shown by the fawning, barely literate responses here, emanating from America's trailer parks and paneled basements, they're right. But that doesn't make it OK.

June 7, 2008 4:38 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Oh, wait. Now I see that Engvall actually starred in this awful ad. So I take it back, he's responsible for that *too.*

There isn't, it seems, an entertainment crime this man will not commit. He simply has no shame. If Foxworthy didn't already have a mustache, Engvall would probably grow one. No shame at all.

I mean, if the *promos* for a show are so lame and lacking in humor as to be puke-inducing, how bad must the actual show be? *Shudder*

June 7, 2008 4:49 PM  
Blogger kandmcrosby said...

Can't wait to see you at Billy Bob's in Fort Worth later this month! We laughed so hard the time we saw the last show in Atlanta with the Next Generation that our abs were soar the next day from laughing so hard. You are one funny guy!

June 7, 2008 7:24 PM  
Blogger robsterzallan said...

heyy i have some VERY funny jokes you could use on your show. you have never heard them because the accually were said by my family. please email me if you want to hear them at

June 7, 2008 9:21 PM  
Blogger Beverly said...

You're really funny. Saw your 15 Degrees Off Cool. I laughed so hard I cried. Not to be a butt though, you got the negative and positive ion joke mixed up. The negative ions are GOOD for you and the positive ions are BAD for you. See, it's backwards for ions. I don't know why really. But I love ya and love your shows. XOXOXO

June 8, 2008 5:00 AM  
Blogger Lee said...

I haven't seen your show yet. I'll bet it's funny. But, I won't watch it until TBS stops all of the ads they run on the bottom of my screen (and now on the top of my screen right over other actors faces) during the shows I watch. Your show's ads are an interruption and I can't stand them. Throwing frisbees across the screen, family portraits, and one time, the little image of you used a remote control to stop "Everybody Loves Raymond" during a scene so you could run a quick advertisement for your show. This is awful. Please reconsider and stop TBS from running those ads. No more interruptions please.

June 10, 2008 9:40 AM  
Blogger really_renee_13 said...

Hey bill,
I love all of your jokes! I have all of the blue collar comedy tour stuff exept the rides again, I really hope that we can talk sometime. thnaks bill talk to you later.

Young fan,
Alycia Smith

June 10, 2008 3:07 PM  
Blogger really_renee_13 said...

Hey bill,
I love all of your jokes! I have all of the blue collar comedy tour stuff exept the rides again, I really hope that we can talk sometime. thnaks bill talk to you later.

Young fan,
Alycia Smith

June 10, 2008 3:10 PM  
Blogger crs said...

I can't believe you don't find the promos (freezing Family Guy) for your new show as irritating and offensive as most of the people I have spoken with. Interfering with other shows to promote yours is incredibly annoying - I was amazed that it was even approved. While I understand that TBS is ultimately responsible for their advertising, I am certain you must have some influence on this decision. Please convince TBS to end these intrusions into Family Guy - it could be the beginning of a TERRIBLE trend.

June 10, 2008 6:33 PM  
Blogger xno said...

This post has been removed by the author.

June 10, 2008 7:50 PM  
Blogger xno said...

This post has been removed by the author.

June 10, 2008 7:50 PM  
Blogger xno said...


Are you going to comment on the TBS interstitial banner marketing promoting your show? There are several news articles, angry forum posts, and an online petition against your show. There has been no official comment from TBS, and I have since prohibited my DVR from recording Family Guy from TBS syndication. It is possible I would have watched your show but now I refuse to watch it in protest to this ridiculous ad campaign.

June 10, 2008 7:53 PM  
Blogger Mikw said...

you people do know that it is not bill engvall that is interrupting these shows. it is the television station themselves that are doing that. Leave bill alone you hypocrites. If you boycott over something so minor i would hate to see something major. why don't you boy cot the gas companies

June 10, 2008 10:22 PM  
Blogger Glenn said...

You need to do an "I'm a dork fish" t-shirt and coffee mug!

June 11, 2008 10:42 AM  
Blogger InfrnalSky said...

I am a fan of your show. I enjoyed your first season. I was looking forward to your second season. However, because of your shameful promotions during Family Guy, I will not be watching it and have since refused to watch TBS at all. Your horrible advertising is offending viewers and alienating your fans. The TBS forums have been clogged with hatred for you and your shameless advertising. Here are a few examples:

Even on the "The Bill Engvall Show" page of the forums, it is full of posters who are protesting your show until you stop your horrible advertising. Here is the link:

If you really want your show to succeed, you REALLY need to stop this. It is not funny and it offends viewers.

June 11, 2008 11:23 AM  
Blogger Rupert said...

Please stop the pop-up ad spots for your show on Family Guy. The ads are disruptive. I've not seen your show, but I'm less inclined to watch your show on principle. We endure pop-up ads on our PCs. Why would you put them on TV?

June 11, 2008 8:38 PM  
Blogger Rupert said...

3rd pop-up ad on an episode of Family Guy; the show has yet to end (30-minute show). Please stop. It's enoying!

June 11, 2008 8:52 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

Hey Bill, Love the show & haved set my DVR to record all episodes.

I do howerever feel inclined to clue you in on the fact that meercats don't eat berries and/or nuts. They feed on centipedes, caterpillars, scorpions (ants when they are starving) and I think you get it now.

I think you are a great entertainer & appreciate your views on kids & family. Keep up the good work

June 12, 2008 3:45 PM  
Blogger cece said...

See you at Billy Bob's. I travel over 100 miles daily and so enjoy your CD's morning and night. Do you ever do autograph's? Watched your show last night the first of the season. It did not seem to be very long, but it was great as usual.God has blessed you with a great talent.

June 13, 2008 6:43 PM  
Blogger anacarolinasf said...

This show is just so desperate to seek attention. My family just vowed never to watch bill engvall show. We were watching Family Guy and an ad for this show just rudely cuts off in the middle of family guy! Bill Engvall show is just so desperate! WE ARE NEVER GONNA WATCH IT!

June 16, 2008 9:10 AM  
Blogger tara said...

Just watched your show. Thanks for the laughs.

Tara Chabot

June 16, 2008 6:46 PM  
Blogger mimi said...

had to pass this on to you...hope you get a chuckle. True story-when we remodeled our kitchen, our son took the old flooring to the dump. this guy asks him, "whatcha gonna do with that flooring." To which my son replied in Bill Engvall style, "we are gonna store it here until we can put it back in the's your sign" And yes, we live in Mississippi....we aren't all dumb here.

June 18, 2008 8:20 AM  
Blogger unclewalt said...

The promotions for this show reek of desperation. They're constant, and they're obnoxious.

Now they're running them during Seinfeld reruns, taking up nearly a quarter of the the screen, covering people's faces, etc.

Now, who that watches Seinfeld would be interested in this garbage? The Bill Engvall Show is aimed squarely at brain-dead hillbillies who think a big night on the town involves picking up some pork rinds and Shasta diet root beer at the local Wal-Mart.

The demographics just don't line up. Why annoy smart people with this lowbrow nonsense?

June 18, 2008 5:43 PM  
Blogger T-Ray said...

Wow bill Some of those comment posters are jackasses i love all of ur stuff blue collar the bill engvall show etc. i want a copy of ur book but i cant find it....and i have some material for ur heres ur sign segment of ur shows.. ok so i was reading the paper here in the rockys and one of the headlines said " Colombian Drug Lord guilty of Trafficking " no shit sherlock. i got a kick of it if u want the whole article u can give me a holla at i really want it to be done of ur show i watch every episode. dont worry ur show is good and dont let anybody tell tbs to end it WE LOVE YA IN THE ROCKY OF CO

June 18, 2008 8:48 PM  
OpenID affinicktive said...

Dude, your writers suck soooooo bad. This is the most low-brow, patronizing show I've ever seen. Enjoy your 2nd season because it's your last.

June 19, 2008 11:48 AM  
Blogger Janine said...

I love your show ...Who ever don't well you know lol ....I loved the new show that aired on the 19th on tbs in florida (west coast) Keep me laughing...PLEASE !!! i need it ~
Hey where did they get that purse your tv daughter wore that night I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVEd it :) would give anything to have it ... Yeah I know gonna be 40 in oct need a life lol need purse toooooo Stay Strong God Bless

June 20, 2008 8:25 AM  
Blogger livysmom said...

Today was my daughter Livy's dance recital, she's 4 and yes it was adorable, and I volunteered to be a chaperone in the room where all of the dancers sat and waited for their turn or for the grand finale.

Livy and her dance class were all lined up waiting to go on stage. She and I were doing our usual back and forth which included sticking our tongues out at each other, me telling her to not pick her nose and generally being silly. It also included kisses. We did this 2 or 3 times.

The whole glass walked out and she and I blew kisses to each other as I told her "I love you, baby!" A nanosecond later the lady standing next to me said,

"Is she yours?"

June 21, 2008 9:10 PM  
Blogger PASO FINO GIRL said...


June 24, 2008 2:25 PM  
Blogger wjwolf said...

They should use your show as punishment for hardened criminals and mean schoolkids.You are about as funny as an innercity gangfight."should we say grace?...its takeout."Thats supposed to be funny? Who writes for you,first graders.Its not to hard to see how you became popular seeing how you target the under 10 IQ group,(the same genius' that elected Bush twice I suppose)To be honest I wouldnt even complain if it werent for the fact that you have to walk onto the screen with your fake family during actual funny shows like RAYMOND.(maybe you should watch a few episodes)Heres an idea for an episode,You and your family book a cruise along with Tyler Perry and his family of idiots on the TITANIC.

June 26, 2008 5:45 PM  
Blogger wjwolf said...

"Bill smell this" yet another unfunny punchline in another stupid commercial for this corny show.I'm sure you are enjoying the money you are makingwith this farse,but lets be honest,isnt it like taking money from retarted kids?I know stupid people need entertainment too but isnt that why they make baloon animals?

June 27, 2008 2:09 PM  
Blogger Janine said...

People if your going to put Bill and his show down .... Use SPELL CHECK ...LOL

Bill Your the BEST ~

July 2, 2008 6:10 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

>People if your going to put Bill and his show down .... Use SPELL CHECK ...LOL

Uh, Janine, you might notice that the biggest Engvall fans in here are also -- by far -- the most illiterate.

To wit: the contraction of "you are," Janine, is "you're."

See what I mean? Spell check doesn't save the illiterate, or the mulleted, mustachioed Engvall fan, from their own blind stupidity.

Get 'er done.

July 2, 2008 8:35 PM  
Blogger Janine said...

hey dan ..lighten up and its git r done lmfao

July 15, 2008 7:13 PM  
Blogger MsMousie30 said...

"The Bill Engvall Show is aimed squarely at brain-dead hillbillies who think a big night on the town involves picking up some pork rinds and Shasta diet root beer at the local Wal-Mart." --UncleWalt

Well, "UncleWalt", why don't you think before you write!!! Those of us that have college educations and know that a night on the town includes a nice dinner, a movie and maybe a dance enjoy Bill Engvall because he makes us laugh... have you ever laughed??? do you know how to laugh???

You people need to direct your anger at the correct people... The ad exec's at TBS... They are the ones that choose what should be advertised and when... so if you have an issue, let them know!!! I enjoy reading the posts in this blog until I get to the "complaints". Well, complaints are just like opinions and @ssholes... Everyone has one and most of them STINK!!!! :)

December 1, 2008 9:26 AM  
Blogger MsMousie30 said...


Here is a great "Here's Your Sign" moment...

My son and I were going into the drive-thru area of a McDonald's. There were 2 workers taking the garbage out. I had my window down and was far enough into the drive-thru that I could not back out. One of the girls looked at me and with a straight face aske me, "Are you going to be ordering?" To which I replied, "Um, yeah, I had intended to." She said, "oh, ok, hang on a sec"

So, she goes running inside and I hear over the speaker, "ok, I can take your order now." So, I ordered. At the end of my order I said, "Oh, and can I get 4 chocolate chip cookies?" There was a few seconds pause and she says, "We only sell our cookies in 3 packs or singles." At this point I'm laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. So I said, "Um, yeah, so I would like one 3 pack and one single chocolate chip cookie." She says, "Oh, ok, so you want two 3packs of cookies?" I'm wanting to scream at this point! I said, "NO! I want ONE 3pack and ONE extra chocolate chip cookie!!" She finally figured it out and said, "Oh, ok, so, one 3pack and one single cookie?" I said "yes." When she asked if I wanted anything else I said, "no, thanks, I don't think i have the energy to order anything else." She said, "Um, ok, we will have your order ready for you."


December 1, 2008 9:34 AM  
Blogger Melody said...

My husband hit a cow with his airplane!!! Yesterday my husband flew down to the lake condo we own in TN to check on it. He called me when he got back to KY. He said, "Honey, I have had quite and eventful day. I hit a cow with the airplane." Remembering the deer incident HYS store, of course I immediately replied, "Were you on the ground?" He didn't even acknowledge my remark and went on to give me a few details. Then we hung up. A minute later the phone rang again and he said "Do you know what you said when I told you I hit the cow?" He was laughing. I told him I had said it on purpose. He did remember the joke from whn we saw your act at a nearby casino (I think it was Belterra.) Anyway...due to your joke he got a good laugh on what was a very stressful day for him and I am grateful. Grateful that he was not hurt and that he got a good laugh.
OBTW - the cow survived it too.

December 9, 2008 8:42 AM  
Blogger livelaughlove said...

And then the fight started...:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.So, I took her to a gas station.And then the fight started.... **** My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were inbed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?""No," she answered.I then said, "Is that your final answer?"She
didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."And then the fight started.... ******** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for SocialSecurity. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license toverify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet athome. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go homeand come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' - and sheprocessed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at theSocial Security office.She
said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gottenDisability, too'And then the fight started..... **** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbedthe dog, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up tothe truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turnedon the radio, and discovered that the weather was predicted be bad allday. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back intobed.I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, andwhispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'And can you believe my stupid husbandis out fishing in
that?'And that's how the fight started ... **** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I keptstaring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearbytable.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took todrinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear shehasn't been sober since.''My God!'
said my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebratingthat long?'And then the fight started..... **** I rear-ended a car this morning.So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out ofhis car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and littlethings just seem funny?Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... I discovered the other driver was aDWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOTHAPPY!!!'So I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'And then the fight started..... *** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took myorder first.'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'And then the fight started..... ****A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw, and said to her husband, 'I feelhorrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'And then the fight started.....


January 12, 2009 2:04 PM  
Blogger mike d said...

Hey Wild Bill:
you may use this if you so desire...Upon calling my phone company for a repair to my home phone system i reached the "repair center" and got this...After telling the lady that after a remodel job to my upstairs bathroom, the phones jacks/outlets no longer were operable. possibly wires were cut by accident.My phone does not work from these which she asked me" Was your phone working before it broke?"...after I stopped laughing, I asked her what were my options for an answer that would make ANY sense to her or the company...she calmly replied " I have to read these questions as part of my job, instructed by the company to do so. I simple said to her "here's your sign" and then completed the info to get the repair order. made my month!
Best to You-A retired Coastie and major fan in Michigan-Mike Duchin

January 16, 2009 11:31 AM  
Blogger jalopy45 said...

Ther really are people like this.
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

Just forgot to say, "there's your sign"

April 10, 2009 1:55 PM  
Blogger babsdonohue said...

I work at a veterinary hospital. When we are open we answer the phone. We do not have an answering service. When we answer the phone sometimes people actually ask if we are open. We are looking for a good come back to this question. Looking for something like "Here is your sign". If anyone has any ideas.

June 6, 2009 5:46 AM  
Blogger Richie said...

The other week I went see the STS-131 shuttle launch at a near by road 10 miles away from the launch pad and I was the with thousands of other people with cars parked for miles in every car park, road, and ditch. It was 3.00am in the morning with every looking towards the launch pad. When a car with 4 people passed me and the driver rolled down his window and said 'Are you here for the shuttle launch?' I said 'No we are seeing how many cars we can park on this stretch of road......Here's your sign. People around me laughed out loud and I thought I had to let you know. Keep us laughing Bill.

April 16, 2010 7:32 PM  

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